222,222: Becoming Attached to Belongings
We all have belongings we see as special, are reluctant to part with and even want to keep for the rest of our lives. It might be an old dress, a music cassette, a piece of furniture or perhaps a car. Have you ever wondered why we form emotional bonds with certain things and why we're reluctant to part with them? Today I did. Because something special happened that made me think about it: my long-time companion, my black pearl, who has been with me for half my life, has reached 222,222 kilometres! It's a little sad for me that it's getting old and that perhaps our paths will soon part.
My dad bought the black pearl when I was only 13. I learned to drive in it. I went on the best holidays in it. It took me to my high school graduation and was with me at university, just as it is now in my working life. Together we've travelled tens of thousands of kilometres. It carried me, and I gave it food and water and looked after it. We had a mutualistic relationship. The way I describe my old friend, you'd think it was a person! Let's be a bit realistic: let's remember that it is just a car, an object made to meet people's need for transport. I know that even if I sell it, another vehicle could meet my needs, and that I won't really miss the black pearl as an object. So what is it that really makes me sad? Let's explore the answer together!
First, I'd like to touch on the relationship between people and things. What do belongings mean to us? Why do we value them?
What we own is actually an extension of our self. The phone in our hand, the shoes on our feet, the car we drive… All of these are symbols of our status and style. They send messages to other people about who we are and where we belong. The feeling of owning something begins at a very early age, and with it comes jealousy. Many of us probably didn't want to share certain toys as children and showed a strong attachment to some objects. Even as children, we like the things we own to be special and unique. In adolescence, owning something helps a person see themselves more positively. In mid-adolescence, the importance placed on belongings is greater than in many other developmental stages, and this is attributed to adolescents' generally low self-esteem.
With adolescence, people begin to see belongings as things that reflect themselves or the person they want to be. For many young adults who have just got their driving licence, a car is a special possession that they see as part of themselves. They may wash it often, modify it and put effort into making it look good. Usually, as people get older and the value placed on the car and the identification with it decrease, the effort and care spent on it decrease too.
Another finding about wanting to own things is interesting. One study found that people who feel inadequate and powerless want to own more valuable things. On the other hand, it is an accepted fact that our belongings send a signal to the outside world and that this signal can sometimes increase social acceptance (for example, someone wearing a Fenerbahçe jersey being accepted by Fenerbahçe fans, a young person with a luxury car getting more attention, or someone with stylish clothes being more likely to get a job).
The more meaning we attach to our belongings, the more priceless they become to us. Some life events require us to part with the things we've accumulated over the years. When moving house, starting a new job or ending a marriage, we also have to let go of some of the things we've owned until then. To get through this difficult process, many of us look for new belongings and new things to own. Others among us may see it as a door to freedom.
"It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything." Tyler Durden – Fight Club
Very often, belongings carry emotional meaning and can be guardians of the past. For example, a mother who can't part with her son's or daughter's baby things may feel that if she gives them away, she'll also be giving away her memories and a piece of her past. Someone who doesn't want to part with a car they've used for years may feel they'll be getting rid of the memories they made with it along with the car (I think the poet is talking about himself here). A person who sees the house they grew up in being demolished may experience a trauma as heavy as if their entire past had been wiped out.
I came across another study. In an experiment with participants aged 16 to 92, various cars from a 1915 Dodge to a 1994 Chrysler were presented, and participants were asked which car they would prefer. No difference was observed among women. But men, on average, preferred the cars that were popular when they were around 26. This effect is thought to apply to other things and to food too. In other words, people prefer the products they used especially in their youth and find them more valuable because they associate them with youthful memories. I'm not sure whether this study explains why I'm sad that my car is getting old and that I might sell it soon. But it's true that, 30-40 years from now, looking back, there's a fair chance I'll say, "The Peugeot 307 was a great car; I never found another one like it."
Not only our own belongings but also other people's belongings can sometimes be very precious to us. Keeping the most important belongings of a loved one who has died, the ones that remind us of them, comes from the fact that these things remind us of the person we lost and are seen as a part of them.
The intensity of the relationship between people and things is sometimes seen as positive and sometimes as negative. Some studies have found that people with a depressed mood value belongings more, and that people who would rather own new things than have new experiences are less accepted by society. On the other hand, belongings are known to have positive functions, such as building connections between people, feeling a sense of belonging and ownership, and rewarding oneself. So I think the healthiest approach is to use things to the extent that they serve their purpose and to benefit from them emotionally and materially, but without turning it into an obsession, and to feel free enough to let go of them when necessary.
It may sound surprising, but some people who accumulate unnecessary belongings are said to have 'Hoarding Disorder', a mental health problem. When these people buy something new, they keep holding on to the old one, just in case. They keep unused, unnecessary items to one side in case they come in handy one day. Because they form strong emotional bonds with many of their belongings, they're reluctant to throw them away or give them to someone. Often, they're afraid of losing important information. Of course, we can't say that everyone who keeps things, finds it hard to part with their belongings or attaches sentimental value to them has a psychological problem. But if it's extreme and has started to make life difficult, it's worth giving it some thought.
I read, I wrote and I thought it over myself. Why do I love the black pearl so much? Why does it move me that it has reached 222,222 kilometres? Why am I reluctant at the thought of selling it? I think my answer is clearer now. As I said at the beginning, that car was with me through many happy memories, through my childhood and my youth. And getting rid of it symbolizes parting with something that has been by my side for half my life, a part of me. But I think I also need to remember this: it's just an object; we bought it with money. All my good memories are in my mind, and they won't disappear when I sell the car. On the other hand, a new car promises me new good memories. What matters is being able to ask myself, "As an individual, how good am I at creating new memories?" and "Can I do more to make my life better than just holding on to old belongings?"
If you, too, are attached to certain belongings (or to many things) and know that one day you'll need to part with them, let's ask two questions to make this easier for you.
1) Which of my needs does this attachment to an object meet?
2) What other way can I find to meet this need, instead of constantly holding on to a particular object?
To give an example based on these questions: some people become attached to their old belongings and don't want to part with them because they remind them of the past and of good memories. People who aren't happy enough in their present and struggle to create good memories may show this behaviour more. So in such a case, the best thing to do might be to create activities, take up hobbies and meet new people in order to enjoy life again, right?
Based on all this information and these thoughts, take a moment to question yourself. Find out which belongings you're very attached to, why, and which of your needs they meet. Make sure the things you keep aren't piling up and taking up a lot of space in your home and cupboards. Discover how you can make your life easier and what could make you happier. Then, if you choose, you can say goodbye to your old friends. Just as I'll soon say to my 'black pearl'.
*This post is dedicated to my 'black pearl', which made my life better and easier, never left me stranded on the road even when it broke down now and then, and will always have a precious place in my mind. :)
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