Self-Esteem Series: The Causes of Low Self-Esteem in Children and Adults
In this series of posts on self-esteem, I aim to examine in full a concept that many people at times see as a problem and complain of lacking. My reasons for taking up the topic of self-esteem are these: it may interest even those who describe themselves as self-confident; all of us experience similar worries from time to time; it is not as insurmountable as feared; and it is known that it can be developed by working on it. Of course, it is hardly possible to overcome low self-esteem quickly and suddenly have high self-esteem. Self-esteem is in fact a developmental concept and the product of a process. Just as it is shaped over time, it also grows over time. Among the most important points here are having enough information about self-esteem and gaining awareness of it. In this post, we will focus on the definition of self-esteem and on how low self-esteem develops in individuals.
Self-esteem can be defined as the ideas we hold about our self, the judgments we make about ourselves and, in essence, the subjective evaluation of our own worth. Low self-esteem, on the other hand, arises when we place little value on ourselves, belittle the worth we have, or when our judgments about ourselves develop in a negative direction. To put it briefly, low self-esteem stems from negative thoughts about ourselves.
In some individuals, these negative thoughts surface only in response to certain events and for a short time. It is relatively easy for these people to regulate their thoughts in their own ways. For some of us, however, self-doubt and self-criticism are triggered in many life experiences, and low self-esteem can become persistent through dysfunctional, negative thoughts about the self. Throughout life, we develop a good or bad opinion of every object or event we encounter. For example: what did you think of the last film you watched? Did you like it? Was it a good or a bad film? Has your opinion ever changed after reading reviews of the film? And have you ever become close friends with someone you didn't like at first? What did you think of that person before you got to know them? 'The worst person in the world, they don't understand anything!' 'How can anyone be this inconsiderate?!' Perhaps not in such sharp terms, but similar thoughts about someone have surely crossed your mind. And after getting to know them, what did you think of that person? 'Actually, they weren't that bad after all.' 'They weren't what I thought; I was wrong.' The reason I am dwelling on this so much and asking these questions is that, when defining self-esteem, we said that it is shaped by the thoughts we have developed about ourselves. In other words, just as the mistaken points in our thoughts about others come to light over time and open the way to changing those thoughts, our thoughts about ourselves may also be formed incorrectly, the inner statements that define our self may have been shaped by our biases, and in fact these thoughts can change.
Our thoughts are not always true.
Our thoughts can be biased.
Our thoughts can change.
So how do our negative thoughts about ourselves, our unrealistic and destructive judgments about ourselves, in other words low self-esteem, come about?
The experiences we gain throughout life allow individuals to develop a perspective on themselves and their surroundings. These experiences, part of human life from birth, are given positive or negative meaning sometimes through the words or behaviour of people at the centre of our lives, such as parents, peers and partners, and sometimes through outcomes such as success or loss that follow an experience. These interpretations affect our self and lead us to develop judgments about ourselves. People whose positive behaviours were not sufficiently supported and reinforced in childhood, and whose unwanted behaviours were constantly punished and handled in the wrong way, will most likely have negative perceptions of themselves and lower self-esteem than others. This is because these people were unable to develop a sense that they can do things well in life, and were generally judged on their wrong, unsuccessful or unwanted behaviours. Dr. Melanie Fennell (2018) lists the life experiences that can lead to low self-esteem. These are:
- Regular Punishment, Neglect or Abuse: Being subjected to punishments that make no sense, being neglected or being exposed to violence early in life is more than a child at that stage can understand. Children often link the different patterns of behaviour shown by their parents (reward, punishment, hints, facial expressions, etc.) to their own behaviour, and may think that they somehow deserve the inappropriate patterns of behaviour they encounter. As a result, the way they see themselves is negatively affected. 'If I am exposed to these things, it means I deserve them. If I deserve them, I am a bad, worthless person.'
- Failing to Meet Parental Expectations: Early life experiences do not have to be entirely bad; still, parents seeing what their children do as worthless and inadequate, and focusing on their negative traits even when the children actually do good things, can lead children to think that they are fundamentally 'wrong' and not good enough.
- Failing to Meet the Expectations of the Peer Group: Especially in adolescence, individuals may be exposed to difficult experiences such as not being liked by peers, being mocked and being humiliated (peer bullying), and may tend to compare themselves with their friends in terms of physical appearance, financial situation and so on. After such experiences of humiliation and mockery, individuals may feel inadequate and wrong.
- Being Exposed to Others' Stress and Distress: During periods when parents are stressed and angry (this could be a job change, a new sibling or a move), they may be unable to respond with understanding to a child's behaviour that would normally be tolerated and understood. Children who cannot make sense of the reactions they face may come to think that 'the problem' lies with them and that their behaviour is unacceptable.
- The Family's Place in Society: Financial problems, inconsistent relationships, the family being excluded or not accepted by society, and family members expressing themselves through violence can cause the child to feel ashamed and develop low self-esteem.
- Missing Out on Good Things: Early successes not being sufficiently encouraged and supported, being deprived of loving and caring contact and attention, or a family that does not know how to show interest can mean that individuals never receive clear, explicit confirmation that they are good enough, and can lead them to feel inadequate and worthless.
- Being the Odd One Out at Home: When a child grows up among siblings or cousins who are successful in a particular area (academic, athletic, etc.), even if the child succeeds in other areas, when these successes are not valued much by the family or peers and there is a strong focus on how the child differs from their siblings or cousins, they may feel different, unsuccessful and inferior to others. In the long run, situations like these can hinder the development of self-esteem.
- Being the Odd One Out at School: Being or feeling different at school can also lead individuals to perceive themselves as inferior to others and inadequate.
Of course, we cannot conclude that everyone who goes through these situations early in life will develop low self-esteem. The situations described can affect individuals' thoughts and attitudes toward themselves. At the same time, a child who was not exposed to any negative attitudes in childhood and grew up healthily may also develop low self-esteem in certain areas of life later on, following an event or a pattern of events that affects them. At this point, every individual forms thoughts and beliefs about their self through different experiences. These thoughts and beliefs determine how valuable individuals see themselves, their belief in themselves, their self-love and their trust in their own core.
Low self-esteem can arise from experiences early in life, and it can also arise from experiences in adulthood. When we feel angry, anxious, guilty, ashamed or tense and want to get away from a situation, we may notice that negative thoughts about ourselves have become active. I wrote this post to get to know the source of low self-esteem a little more closely and to gain self-awareness on this subject. In the next post of the self-esteem series, we will focus on the question of why low self-esteem persists even though we don't want it to. See you in the next post!
Duygu ÇANKAYA ÇADIRCIOĞLU, Psychotherapist
Source:
Fennell, M. (2018) Özgüveni Keşfedin. Bilişsel Davranışçı Terapiler Serisi
