FAREWELL
Writing is the most beautiful way to reflect one's feelings. My husband and I are moving to Canada. In my last days before leaving Akhisar T-Type Closed Penal Institution, I wrote down what I was feeling on the back pages of my interview notebook, so as to leave myself a keepsake. These entries were written in the lawyer visitation rooms arranged for the Psycho-Social Service, so that we could carry out our interviews safely under pandemic conditions. I like to note things in detail when keeping a journal, so that years later, when I read it again, the memories come back to me in full vividness. That's why the hours and places are given in detail. The entries were written during my daily inmate interviews, while waiting for inmates to be brought in, and were naturally interrupted whenever an inmate arrived for the interview. I typed up the notes from the back pages of my notebook exactly as they were, on 18/01/2021 at around 14:15, in my own room at home in Isparta.
Date: 20/12/2021
Time: 11:20
Nearing the end…
I'm nearing the end of the adventure I began on 17/07/2021 as a prison psychologist. I have a one-way plane ticket to Toronto on 28/01/2022.
The prison became the place where I was shaped and seasoned in my profession — even though for others it comes to mind as a 'frightening' place… It's the most extreme place I've seen where a person can make somewhere beautiful.
Date: 23/12/2021
Time: around 16:00
(I have no watch on my wrist. I'm in the lawyer visitation room, and the computer is temporarily in the phone unit.)
The excited waiting has given way to a bittersweet feeling. It's as if I'm living in two different places. One is the life I'm used to, the life I know, the people I know… The other is a life where adventures await me, full of hope and dreams, and —for now— one I only know this much about.
I've gathered so many beautiful hearts here for myself. In the flow of life, we influence the place we're in, and we're influenced by the place we're in. I've learned a great deal from the beautiful hearts I've gathered, and I believe I've added a great deal to them too. If someone asked what we gain in life, this would be my answer. Learning along the way… There's no need to become a traveler, to wander over mountains and hills for that. To the question of whether it's better to travel a lot or read a lot, I'd like to add one more option: getting to know many people, and being able to add something to the people around you —and take something from them— even within the routine you already have…
Date: 27/12/2021
Time: 15:30
I'm at lawyer visitation room No. 3, waiting for an inmate to carry out my daily interviews. Still no computer. On 24/12/2021 we lost my grandmother. I'm in the middle of an intense period of change. We're selling our belongings. These are my last days at work. There are so many emotions that I no longer know what I'm feeling anymore…
Date: 28/12/2021
Time: 15:30
I'm in the same place. Around 15:30. I've begun saying my goodbyes. Everything, as much as it can be.
Date: 29/12/2021
Time: (I didn't note it down)
I'm at lawyer visitation room No. 4. Today is Wednesday. For the first time, I don't want a week to end. I'm both excited and there's a bittersweet feeling inside me. I'm caught up in an enormous rush. There was an example in Professor Doğan (Cüceloğlu)'s book Savaşçı (The Warrior). Professor Doğan asks a friend he's sitting with in a café to look at a young woman sitting at the next table and say what he thinks about her. Then he asks what would go through his mind about that same woman if he thought she had an illness and these were her last days. The second time, his friend looks at the woman more deeply, more meaningfully, and says that, thinking about the few days she has left in life, he feels much more intense emotions about her. I feel like I'm inside that example too. Knowing that I'll only do my routine tasks a few more times, that I'll only see the people I see every day a few more times, gives a different kind of awareness. I'm spending my time more enthusiastically, more attentively, more mindfully and intensely. With the sadness of knowing that my time here as a penal institution psychologist will come to an end, and that the ending is approaching…
Date: 30/12/2021
Time: around 14:30
I'm at lawyer visitation room No. 3. During the lunch break, I was met with a farewell surprise from my friends. They'd made and bought all sorts of cakes and pastries. We ate them in the administrative observation board's office. At moments like this, I'm overcome with a kind of shyness. I felt a bittersweet ache. So many affectionate people, such warm hearts… I thanked them, but with my eyes nearly welling up and my voice hoarse.
My dear friends, thank you so much for the friendship we built, the pleasant conversations we shared, and for helping me gather these beautiful memories.
I was so happy! And I felt proud of myself. Well done, Duygu, what wonderful bonds you've built.
Today I'll hand in my petition. It's as if I'm on the last pages of a book that holds very intense, turbulent emotions, but one I've loved and enjoyed so much. Tomorrow is Friday. This week —since it's my last week at work— I wished it would never end, so that tomorrow wouldn't say —last— underneath it. In my past life experiences, there were times I said I wish I'd done more. Things like, I wish I'd spent more time with the people around me, I wish I'd been more productive… But this time I'm happy. I did everything I could. There can always be more, but my heart is completely at ease…
Since 31/12/2021 was my last day at Akhisar T-Type Closed Penal Institution, I devoted today to seeing the colleagues I hadn't yet said goodbye to, and seeing again those I already had. I set aside my remaining time to spend with my dear colleagues and friends from my beloved unit, the Psycho-Social Service —Erdem Bey, Adem Bey, and my dear friends Merve, Burçak, Ayşe, and Ayşe, whom we grew close to later on but I'm so glad we did (close enough to be grateful the pandemic started :))— and to do everything I could to thank them and show my gratitude for the friendship they showed me during my time at the institution. My dear colleague Hatice wasn't there, but she was one of the most beautiful friendships I built at the institution, so I left a small chocolate on her desk to thank her for that friendship and say goodbye. Of course, we talked on the phone afterward too :)
-A SHORT LETTER-
My first love in civil service, Akhisar T-Type Penal Institution,
I'm happy and at peace with the investments I made in you. Working in harmony, in collaboration, happily, and within a framework of respect with all the colleagues I worked alongside was one of my greatest goals. I tried to do everything I could so that the specialists and psycho-social service officers who come to the institution and the Psycho-Social Service after me could also work in a comfortable environment, and to help build a collaborative psycho-social service culture. Thank you so much for everything you taught me, both professionally and socially, during my time in civil service; for the people you brought into my life; and for helping me move forward through the challenges and new experiences you placed in my path along the way.
With love,
Duygu
