Fear in Children: Notes for Parents
Fear is an inevitable part of being a child. New, big, bright or noisy things can be frightening for children, and these things make them curious, attentive and sometimes cautious. A child who hides in a corner when lightning strikes, a child who startles and starts crying at the sound of a drill while the downstairs neighbour is doing home repairs, or a child who makes up excuses to avoid going to their room because they are afraid to go to bed alone: these are examples most parents know well.
What children fear changes with their stage of development. For example, babies of 8–9 months recognize the faces of people they know, so strange and unfamiliar faces can frighten them. Between 10 months and 2 years of age, children may experience separation anxiety. They do not want to be apart from their parents and want them close by at all times. Children aged 4–6 cannot yet distinguish between the abstract and the concrete, and do not understand that what they imagine is not real. This is why at this age they may be extremely afraid of the idea of a monster under the bed, of the dark, or of loud noises. After age 7, as they develop, children begin to distinguish between the abstract and the concrete. In this period they may fear the difficulties life can bring. For example, they may fear that a natural disaster they heard about on the news could happen to them, that someone they love could be hurt, or death itself. In addition, as school-age children, they may worry about grades, friendships and homework. In adolescence, as the focus turns more toward the ‘self’, young people may worry about their appearance and whether they are accepted by their peers.
Although what children worry about changes with their developmental stage, the one question parents ask is: ‘How should I support my child in coping with their fear/anxiety? What should I do?’ In this article, I will focus on supportive approaches parents can use to help with their children’s anxiety.
Don’t be afraid of your child’s anxiety. When parents sense a fear or worry in their child, their first instinct is to reassure them and make the problem go away with phrases such as ‘There’s nothing to be afraid of.’ or ‘This isn’t something worth worrying about.’ While this may work in the short term, it takes away children’s opportunity to learn how to calm themselves down. The first thing you can do the moment you notice your child is anxious is to manage your own anxiety and listen to your child calmly.
Understand your child’s anxiety. Children may not be able to fully express their worries. At this point, you can clarify the problem by asking them questions about their worry. For example, if your child is afraid of dogs, you can ask questions such as ‘What exactly is it about dogs that scares you?’, ‘Is there a particular dog you are afraid of?’ or ‘Has a dog ever done something that frightened you?’ This way you can get a sense of how best to help and support them.
Support your child. Let your child know that you understand their problem, that you take them seriously, that it can be normal for this situation to cause anxiety, and that it happens to many other children too. Your child will feel understood and relieved.
Make a plan. Together with your child, set achievable goals for overcoming their anxiety. The example below will help you with the steps you can take.
Example: If your child is afraid of sleeping in the dark, the steps of a plan you agree on together might look like this.
First night: You can agree that after tucking them in, you will read a few books, then turn off the lights and stay quietly in the room until your child falls asleep.
Second night: You can agree to read them one book, then turn off the lights, leave the door ajar and wait outside the room for them to fall asleep.
Third night: You can agree to read them one book, then turn off the lights, close the door and wait outside the room for them to fall asleep.
Fourth night: You can agree to read them one book, then turn off the lights, close the door and leave the room.
Be supportive and patient. Change is a challenging process that requires patience. It is important to stick to the plan you made with your child, respond consistently to their behaviour, and support their growth and their wish to change. It is important to be motivating and supportive about their behaviours and attitudes, not about traits they cannot change, with words such as ‘You’re being very brave.’, ‘I was thinking how brave it was of you to stay in your room alone for half an hour today. Let’s see if we can make it longer tomorrow.’ or ‘You reacted so bravely to the sound of the drill from downstairs yesterday.’
Some fears are normal for children depending on their developmental stage. With the methods above and a supportive attitude, you can help children develop their emotion regulation skills. However, if your child reacts to their fear in ways that are excessive for their age and developmental stage, avoids going to school, doesn’t take part in social activities or shows physical symptoms, it would be helpful to discuss this with a professional.
Psych. Duygu Çankaya Çadırcıoğlu
Sources:
Wignall, Ann. (2015). Kaygılı Çocuğa Yardım (Arkadaş Yayınevi).
