How to Build a Happy Marriage
‘They changed so much after we got married.’, ‘They were never like this before the wedding.’
The way couples treat each other can change after marriage. Individuals often no longer feel the need to show the attention and care they showed each other before marriage. In a marital relationship, the belief takes hold that attention and care will come on their own, or that such gestures are unnecessary. After marriage, individuals may come to see being someone’s child or parent as more sacred and important than being a couple. With this belief, they neglect to nurture their role as a spouse. How well spouses know each other, the attention they show one another and the balance of sharing between them shape the quality of the relationship and the seriousness of the problems they face. In fact, conflict is inevitable in every relationship. However, what creates lasting problems between couples is not conflict itself, but a dysfunctional way of resolving it. When individuals do not fully embrace their role as a spouse, during conflicts they try to convey the messages ‘Understand me.’ ‘Listen to me!’ in unhelpful ways. They may start a conflict in anger. Alternatively, to avoid arguments that will never be resolved and to avoid being criticized or belittled, a spouse may act as if what their partner says has no meaning at all. But of course, this too can leave a person constantly on edge and lead to overreactions by the end of the day.
Below is a list of the dysfunctional behaviours Dr. John Gottman identified through his research on the ways spouses communicate and express themselves.
Criticism: Commenting on your partner’s/spouse’s personality rather than on the issue or event itself. ‘What is wrong with you!’, ‘What kind of person are you? You don’t understand me!’
Contempt: Arises from long-held negative thoughts about one’s partner. Making disparaging remarks about the partner, rolling one’s eyes, or taking a mocking or hostile attitude. ‘What would you know!’
Defensiveness: When one spouse, feeling upset after an event, becomes defensive. ‘We’re late again, even though I was ready on time!’ The underlying message is: ‘I’m not the problem, you are!’
Stonewalling: This can be described as one partner, overwhelmed by the situations described above, withdrawing into indifference. In such moments the spouse shows no reaction and may act as if the other person isn’t there. ‘I don’t care.’
These behaviours may arise from a single incident, or they may become a constant pattern. When the efforts both spouses make to be understood, valued and loved are expressed in the ways above, they turn into a vicious cycle with negative consequences. The most important thing spouses can do is try to rebuild the friendship between them and strengthen that bond as much as possible. Even building this friendship from scratch, if needed and if both spouses are willing, is very valuable. At this point, pausing to answer the question “what do we need?” without falling into the unhelpful behaviours above will reveal the real need and possible solutions. Below are some things you can do to strengthen commitment and friendship between spouses.
Turn Small Moments into Meaningful Experiences. You can use seemingly simple, ordinary moments in ways that make your spouse feel valued. When your partner asks you for something while you are busy, instead of ignoring them or shrugging it off, you might tell them you can do it once you have finished. In doing so, you would make the most of a very simple moment by actively listening to your spouse, acknowledging them so they feel heard, and making time to respond. How do you think your spouse would respond to this, and what would they feel?
Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration. It is very important for couples to work on strengthening the positive feelings they have for each other. Growing fondness and admiration for one another helps positive feelings develop between partners. Make a list of the qualities in your spouse that you are grateful for and share it with them!
Turn Toward Each Other and Show Genuine Interest in Your Spouse. The aim here is for couples to stay connected with a positive attitude toward each other. Showing genuine interest in your spouse and letting them know you understand them matters. Do you do fun things together with your spouse in your free time? You don’t necessarily have to enjoy the same activities to the same degree. What makes watching a film worthwhile is not the film itself, but that you are watching it with your partner and having a good time together, and enjoying the activity for that reason.
Make the Most of Small Opportunities. Simple, everyday tasks such as washing the dishes, folding laundry or cooking can be opportunities to build a deep bond with your spouse. During these moments, you can talk with your spouse about how your day went, your daily plans and your goals, and find out how each of you is feeling. What rituals or activities would you like to share with your spouse? How does preparing dinner together, or switching off your phones in the evening and sitting knee to knee over a cup of tea, sound? These activities give you plenty of opportunities to connect and spend time with each other.
Be Unconditional Friends to Each Other. Think of a friend you truly love. You accept them with their flaws, their mistakes and the hurts between you, and in any conflict with them you try to resolve the problem in a positive way, don’t you? How about trying the same with your spouse? When your spouse is your life partner, accepting them with their rights and wrongs and all their differences will help you discover every side of them.
Be on Your Partner’s Side. Being able to stand as ‘us’ in front of others, working through problems and conflicts one-on-one, keeping your spouse from feeling unimportant and alone, and taking your spouse’s side against the whole world will protect your unconditional friendship in the healthiest way!
Because the relationship between spouses is sometimes believed to be different from all other relationships, it can take on an unrealistic, cultural or scripted meaning, and making an effort can come to seem unnecessary. Yet at the heart of solving problems between couples lie communication skills and the ability to truly be friends. Just as important as knowing that the core principles for a healthy relationship are not so different from those in our relationships with family members, friends or colleagues, is knowing that the solution is not as difficult as it may seem. Even the smallest step toward strengthening your bond of love will do both you and your spouse a great deal of good.
Psych. Duygu ÇANKAYA ÇADIRCIOĞLU
REFERENCES
Gottman, J.& Siver, N.(1999).The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.
https://www.gottman.com/blog/5-simple-ways-strengthen-friendship-marriage/
