Letting Go of Our Fears
Part - The Vulnerability Schema
Recently, while reading about the schema therapy approach, I began to think that the vulnerability schema (the deep-seated belief that we are weak and fragile) is one of the most common schemas in our society. This schema shows itself through a feeling that something bad is going to happen, a strong belief that the world is a dangerous place, a fear of losing money, power or health, and a desire to feel safe that overrides every pleasure life has to offer. Yes, as a society our desire to feel safe is so strong that it leads us to see the world as a place that exists only for survival. Perhaps we survive physically, but as long as we hold on to this belief, it kills our spirit and we miss the chance to enjoy life. On top of that, we restrict the people around us because of our own anxieties, and we especially keep children from growing up with self-confidence by trying things out and taking on responsibility.
When nothing in this world is more certain than death, does walking toward the end of life without ever taking risks, without trying new things to be happy, and without facing our fears really take us where we want to be?
2. Part - Freeing Ourselves from Our Fears
For people trapped by their fears, life is more boring, ordinary and stressful. By fear, I mean the reservations that keep us from daring to do things in life, that restrict us and, as I mentioned in yesterday's post, keep us from enjoying life. Understanding what our fears are is very important, and it is also the first step toward healing in this area. Once you have discovered this and decided that you are ready to fight back, there are methods that can help you. I'm sharing one of them below, step by step. If you apply it patiently and carefully over time, you can succeed. Getting support from someone you trust or from a therapist can help the process go more smoothly.
1) List your fears and express how much fear you feel as a percentage. For example: attending social gatherings without anyone I know 80%, sharing my feelings with people I know 60%, spending a day on my own 90%, working less, etc.
2) Try to understand why you are afraid of these situations and take notes. Why is attending social gatherings without anyone you know frightening, why is it hard to share your feelings, what about being alone scares you, why can't you make time to rest? Ask yourself "why" as often as you can and try to understand the thoughts at the root of your fear.
3) Is this fear realistic? Is the fear you feel based on realistic concerns, or is it actually being fed by false thoughts your mind produces? If you are afraid of social settings, you may be carrying an underlying thought that people don't like you, and what you need to do is find out whether this thought holds up to logic. You can get help from your friends and family and write down the evidence that proves otherwise.
4) Whatever it is you fear, break it into pieces. Start with the easiest step and slowly work your way up to the hardest. You can do this over months; don't rush it. As you move from easier attempts to harder ones, you'll see that you are overcoming your fear and that the thoughts underlying it really do have irrational sides. It's important to complete the first 3 steps successfully beforehand; otherwise it will be harder to gather the courage to try.
Malik Kubilay Çadırcıoğlu, Psychotherapist
