Notes for Parents: Setting Rules for Children
Disagreements sometimes arise in the parent-child relationship. If we were to sum up parents' complaints about their children in a single sentence, I think that sentence would be 'My child doesn't listen to me.' Rather than simply being an offhand remark, this sentence actually carries many underlying messages that point to a need to adjust the parent-child relationship. From what I've observed in my sessions with families, the sentence 'My child doesn't listen to me' actually expresses messages like 'Something is going wrong in the relationship I have with my child,' 'I'm not being heard by my child,' 'I can't understand my child,' 'I'm not getting support from my child.' The help needed behind these sentences can be addressed through changes made in the relationship built with children, and through routines set and rules established in the home. Thanks to rules, children will learn what their parents expect of them and what behaviors and skills they want them to develop. Let's look together at one parent's experience with her child: 'At first I didn't think much of it and didn't tidy my child's room, but two days later I couldn't stand it anymore and cleaned every corner of it.' In this pattern of behavior, the child receives mixed messages. They don't develop sufficient responsibility for the room-tidying behavior their parent expects of them. The adjustments to be made will help parents give more consistent messages to their children.
Rules in the home work best not when handed down from parent to child in the way we're used to, heavy with a lecturing tone, but when set through a method built on cooperation and shared decisions. These rules can cover things like behavioral attitudes, daily routines, and how to treat others. Let's look together at the steps for setting up routines and rules that work for everyone in the home:
You can start your family meeting by first stating its purpose, at a time when everyone is available :)
Decide on the routines and rules within your family.
Routines are activities that all family members follow within the home, either every day or at certain intervals. For example, sitting down together for dinner, doing laundry every Wednesday, or watching a movie with popcorn every Friday are examples of routines. When arranged in a way the household can keep up with, these create a structure that preserves the system, dynamics, and relationships within the home.
Rules, on the other hand, should be structures that are clear, explicit, and plainly state the expectation, rather than vague ones like 'being good' or 'not being messy' whose time frame isn't clear. For example, instead of the rule 'don't be messy,' if there's a routine of doing laundry every Wednesday, setting the rule 'put the items that need washing in the laundry basket' before that routine —and phrasing future reminders the same way— will help your child see your words simply as a rule rather than something to resist.
Setting rules and routines while taking your child's developmental stage and readiness into account will support their involvement in the process.
Allow everyone to express their opinions openly.
Make sure the routines you've set and the rules you've established are understood and absorbed by all family members. Focus on what these changes will positively affect in your family. Make sure children understand the purpose of the rule being set. Writing down the rules you've made on paper or a chart and hanging it somewhere everyone can see will serve as a reminder for all family members. But remember that children sometimes need to be reminded of routines and rules.
Try to stick to the new arrangements you've made as much as possible. When this is hard for your child, you can support them in following the routines and rules by reinforcing their positive qualities in them.
Rewarding both yourself and your child when routines and rules are followed will keep everyone's motivation high throughout the process. Still, there may be times when routines aren't followed. At this point, you can make an agreement in advance about how you'll handle it at home when a rule or routine isn't followed.
If someone other than you also cares for the child, you can help make the routines and rules sustainable by informing them about the routines and rules as well.
It's important to make these changes -aimed at bringing order to the home and strengthening communication between its members- while also taking your child's development and readiness into account. A family is a dynamic structure. It changes, transforms, and its needs shift over time. At this point, we believe it's important that your arrangements also stay flexible, able to change and transform, and that they not lose sight of meeting the needs of all family members.
Duygu ÇANKAYA ÇADIRCIOĞLU, MA, RP
Sources:
https://www.cdc.gov/parents/essentials/structure/quicktips.html
https://raisingchildren.net.au/pre-teens/behaviour/behaviour-management-ideas/family-rules
