Notes for Parents: Why Do Children Lie?
Children may turn to various ways of expressing their needs and wants and articulating themselves. As adults, when a child chooses ways like crying or whining to express themselves, we can see our way forward more clearly in finding a solution. But there is another important way children sometimes choose to express themselves — one that leaves us feeling stuck, and that runs counter to our values: lying.
Children usually learn to lie around age three. At this age, children cannot yet fully distinguish between reality and imagination, and with their still-developing language skills, they make statements without being aware of the line between the two. School-age children (5-8 years old) often lie about things like school or homework in order to avoid responsibility. For example, if a child is given more homework than they can manage in a day, they may lie both to escape the guilt of not finishing it and to prove they're a good child. Children generally lie to change a situation into one that sits easier with them, to cover up a mistake they've made, to avoid conflict, or when they want attention. At this point, rather than punishing the child for lying and getting angry at them, it's important to encourage them to recognize the truth and to make sure they aren't being asked for more than they can manage. You can help them notice their behavior by reading together on topics like the importance of honesty.
Lies children tell during the pre-school and school years are easy to notice and correct. The developmental stage I want to focus on in this piece is what's known as "tween," the pre-adolescent stage spanning roughly ages 8 to 12. Children in this stage get better at sustaining their lies compared to earlier stages, but they also become more sensitive to the fallout from the lies they tell, and afterward they experience strong feelings of guilt. As an adult, rather than getting angry at the child or labeling them a liar, it's important to identify the purpose behind their behavior and the need underlying it.
Do they feel a need to be accepted or liked by their friends?
Is there any change at school or at home that might be stressing the child out?
Is there something in their social environment they feel anxious about? For example, your child says they won't come home because they asked their teacher a question during lunch, but then you find out they actually spent time outside. In this case, rather than getting angry at them directly, it's important to consider whether they might be hesitant to communicate with their teacher.
Is there a desire underlying the lie to avoid something?
Depending on the nature of your relationship, are they trying to challenge you as their parent?
Even when there's no underlying need behind the behavior, some children may simply be developmentally and behaviorally prone to lying. As a parent, what matters is building/protecting the trust between you and guiding your child within that relationship. Here are a few tips for emphasizing the importance of honesty to your child:
Be gentle with your child. Noticing that your child is lying can be upsetting and infuriating, but running through the questions above before acting on the situation will stop you from taking a hasty step. At the same time, an inclusive and warm attitude toward them makes it easier for your child to explain the need underlying their behavior. From what your child tells you, you may be able to figure out that they needed attention, or that they hadn't realized they were lying.
Reinforce your child's positive behaviors. If your child comes to you with complete honesty about something they thought you'd be upset about, you can acknowledge them for that behavior instead of taking a lecturing tone like "see, I told you, look what happened!" Children sometimes think lying makes them look cool or helps them get accepted by their friends. Supporting children in their honest behaviors also helps build their self-confidence. Children whose honesty and positive behaviors are supported can become individuals who know what they want and are able to say no where needed, rather than lying just to be accepted among their peers.
Clearly communicate your expectations to your child. In the tween stage, children are still very close to their parents and observe their parents' behavior with great seriousness. At this point, clearly expressing your expectations of them on topics like lying and honesty will help your child make sense of the process they're going through. Being open with your child also lets you serve as a role model for them. Children don't just take in adults' words — they learn a great deal from their behavior too.
Make it easy for your child to tell the truth. When you notice your child has lied, recognizing the underlying need and taking action to address it will remove the child's need to lie as a way of expressing themselves. If a child who wants attention becomes the center of attention once their lie is discovered, this will do nothing but reinforce their lying behavior. If they're lying for attention, it's important to recognize the attention they need and give it to them before the child lies.
Children may lie knowingly or unknowingly. What matters is avoiding labeling them. While parents express their frustration at unacceptable behaviors like lying, they should remember that they're dealing with children who have only a short life history behind them. Adult anger, as long as it's expressed in appropriate ways, can only be directed at another adult. Children's behavior can be shaped by the information they receive from their parents, the behaviors they observe from adults, and having their needs met in appropriate ways. It's important to remember that children need what they learn from their parents in order to make sense of life and to adapt to norms.
Duygu ÇANKAYA ÇADIRCIOĞLU, MA, RP
Sources:
https://raisingchildren.net.au/preschoolers/behaviour/common-concerns/lies https://www.pbs.org/parents/thrive/why-kids-lie-and-what-to-do-about-it
