On Self-Esteem and Self-Compassion
Today, I'll be talking about two fundamental psychological concepts that many of you have often heard of, but perhaps don't know the deeper meaning behind. These concepts are widely followed both by mental health professionals and by many people who are more or less interested in psychology, and they're associated with psychological well-being, that is, mental health. However, in this piece I'm declaring where I stand, and by pitting the two concepts against each other, I want to explain why one might be more functional than the other. After reading this piece, your self-esteem won't increase, nor will you become more compassionate toward yourself. But I hope you'll gain some insight into how you should approach these concepts and which one would be more beneficial for you to work on.
Let's start with the concept of self-esteem. What does self-esteem mean to you? I'd like you to think about it for a few minutes. In its simplest form, I can almost hear you say it's having respect for oneself is what you'd say. That's actually quite a good definition. What matters to us here, I think, is actually what we understand by the word respect. What does respect mean? Under what conditions do we show respect to others or to ourselves? Think about what your criteria for showing respect are. But don't let it stay just words—look at your behaviors and practices too. Who do you show respect to, and who do you view with respect?
I don't know about you, but many people in the world respect success, intellect, power, intelligence, beauty, money, and prestige. Even in elementary school, children respect their friends who get good grades. In adolescence, respect grows for those who are attractive or charismatic. In university, intellect is highly valued. In adult life, position, status, and life achievements start to draw attention and earn respect. I'm aware I'm speaking very generally—I just intend to give a rough idea.
Let's return to self-esteem. When you consider the paragraph above and your own criteria for respect, under what circumstances do you respect yourself? Can you offer yourself unconditional respect with your feelings, thoughts, and behaviors? Or, just as with other people, do you also have certain criteria for respecting yourself?
According to our observations and research, people generally apply the same criteria for respect that they've developed for others—and often even more—to themselves in order to respect themselves. As a result, we actually end up loving ourselves conditionally. We may not put this into words, but our behavior gives us away.
Some of us respect ourselves based on criteria of success. If we can't land a good job, our self-esteem drops. Some of us place great importance on our own beliefs or opinions, and when we see that other people don't value them, our self-esteem drops. Some of us place importance on financial power, and our self-esteem falls when we can't afford something. This list could go on forever. And some of us, even with everything we could want, may still be unable to raise our self-esteem. Being respected from the outside never means our self-esteem is actually high.
Either way, self-esteem is an important psychological variable for us. Low self-esteem is closely linked to depression and anxiety. Deep down, we're aware of this, which is why we engage in interesting efforts to protect or raise our self-esteem.
In a survey study, participants were asked whether they could drive better than the average person. In an objective, honest scenario, the result would likely be around 50 percent. So how many people do you think rated themselves as an above-average driver in this survey? About 80% This figure may reflect people's effort to boost their self-esteem. Believing we make better decisions, thinking we're more rational, thinking we hold the most correct beliefs, thinking we're right, thinking we're successful, thinking we're cultured, thinking we're smart, beautiful, intelligent, kind-hearted, and so on—even if there's a grain of truth to it—can also turn out to be an effort to boost our self-esteem.
Of course, I'm not saying this is good or bad. Liking yourself and feeling proud of yourself are good things. But by placing so much importance on self-esteem, or by managing our criteria for respect the wrong way, we can actually make ourselves more fragile. Being too hard on ourselves over a small failure, feeling terrible when the people around us don't think the same way we do, suffering when we're rejected… I think each of these shows just how fragile self-esteem can make us.
I've talked a lot about self-esteem. Now it's time to introduce an alternative concept.
Self-Compassion.
Until about 20 years ago, self-esteem was actually one of the most important psychological concepts. But nowadays, people have started to discuss how this concept makes individuals fragile, and that even though it's related to mental health, it may not be the easiest or most functional way to intervene in mental health. Various concepts have been proposed as alternatives to self-esteem, and I think each one is quite valuable. But today I'll focus on self-compassion. I'd say one reason is that self-compassion can always be developed further, and another is that it promises a healthier mental state.
Now I'd like you to think about who you feel compassion for. Under what circumstances, at what times, and in what settings? When you feel compassion, how do you behave toward others, what do you say, how do you approach them?
As for me, when a person (sometimes even an animal) needs any kind of help, feels sad, or is in pain, my compassionate instincts kick in. I think about how I can help them, what I'm capable of doing, and how I should approach them, and I act on it if I can. Understanding their pain, saying something to soothe them, or simply letting them feel my presence are among the things I do. Whether it works or not, showing compassion in that moment and being there for the person who needs it feels valuable and important to me.
I imagine many of you have had similar experiences to mine. Giving water and food to a cat we see on the street, and petting it, are signs of compassion. That's why I know very well that we actually belong to a culture that carries compassion in every moment of life.
As you can see, while respect is conditional, compassion is most often unconditional (even though we do tend to show more compassion to people we love, sympathize with, or who resemble us). Respect is usually shown to a person who's already doing well, whereas compassion emerges when a need arises.
As can be understood from its name, self-compassion is showing compassion toward ourselves.
Self-compassion has 3 basic categories.
Mindfulness, common humanity, and kindness.
I may write a piece in the future about the details of these components and how self-compassion can be developed further. But for now, I don't want to go on any longer about it.
Self-compassion, just like self-esteem, is an important psychological variable that positively affects our psychological well-being. It's a skill that's less affected by our success criteria, by how good or successful we are, and one we can draw on whenever we need help. I think one of its most important advantages is that it isn't affected by society's criteria for respect.
In short, even though self-esteem is a variable that affects our psychological well-being, when evaluating our self-esteem we can set harsh criteria and end up classifying ourselves based on our achievements. Achieving unconditional self-esteem often isn't easy. That's why efforts to raise our self-esteem can turn into a never-ending road. My suggestion, and that of many psychologists who think like me, is to focus on self-compassion instead of self-esteem, and to show ourselves unconditional love, understanding, and compassion whenever we need it. Unlike respect, compassion isn't an emotion with harsh, condition-dependent criteria. On the other hand, just like respect, it does a great deal of good for our emotional state. When we can receive compassion from someone else or from ourselves, and can do so consistently, how we feel and how we behave will change for the better.
Finally, it may be important to say this. The reason self-esteem can be dysfunctional in some situations may be that our criteria for respecting ourselves are set higher than they should be. So actually, approaching the self-esteem variable in a healthy way would also change a great deal. Even though I've talked about the advantages of self-compassion in this piece, this wasn't meant to diminish the importance of a self-esteem built on healthy criteria.
Wishing that you can turn the compassion you show others toward yourself, and benefit from the power of your own compassion…
Malik Kubilay Çadırcıoğlu, Psychologist
Source: Self-Compassion
