Self-Esteem Series: Why Does Low Self-Esteem Persist?
When we live in difficult circumstances during childhood, we set many rules within ourselves to cope with that period. These rules can make our lives easier, but they can also lower our quality of life, affect us negatively and keep us from reaching our potential. There may be parents who meet all of their child’s needs but cannot show enough love and warmth. Even if their daily needs are fully met, children who do not receive enough love and warmth from their families may develop the thought ‘I am unlovable’ about themselves. -My family gives me what I need to live, but they don’t hug me or show their love. This means I am an unlovable person.-
People carry the thoughts they developed about themselves and their surroundings in childhood into later stages of life, and at this point the thought ‘I am unlovable’ becomes one of their core beliefs about themselves. In general, rather than questioning whether something we believe is true or false, we try to find answers to the question of how we can live in harmony with that belief. We do this by setting rules for ourselves and our surroundings. In this way, the thoughts about ourselves that we developed early in life are carried into later life as our core beliefs about ourselves and the rules we develop around them. In the table below, I would like to share examples of people’s core beliefs about themselves and the life rules they develop from these beliefs.
In daily life, there may be times when we cannot follow the life rules we set for ourselves, have never once doubted and accept unconditionally. When this happens, our core belief is triggered and we feel uneasy, uncomfortable and insecure. However, whether we follow them or not, these life rules keep low self-esteem going, because they bring with them thoughts such as I must do everything perfectly, I must not gain weight, I must make others happy. These thoughts show that happiness and feeling safe are dependent on others and short-lived.
When our core belief is triggered, anxious expectations about the event arise. For example, imagine that you have to give a presentation in front of a group, or think of other situations or settings that would push your limits and make you feel tense. Try to think as realistically as possible.
What is going through your mind right now?
I’m definitely going to make a mistake.
I’m going to embarrass myself.
It’s definitely going to go worse than expected
I won’t be able to express myself.
And what changes happened in your body?
Your heart starting to race
Cold hands and feet
Shaking knees
An upset stomach
How do you feel?
Irritable
Tense
Scared
Angry
Panicked
We can see how much even thinking about a distressing situation can affect our emotions and our bodies. However, anxious expectations, unless they are worked on, keep low self-esteem going. This is because anxious thoughts, and the anxiety that comes with them, affect our behaviour. For example:
We may tend to avoid events or situations that would be good for us and help us grow.
Even if we don’t avoid the event, we may take so many precautions that we fail to show our real performance and potential.
It can keep us from enjoying our success and feeling good about ourselves.
Now, going back to the example of speaking in front of a group: you might avoid giving the talk, keep it shorter than you wanted, or finish it without enjoying your success afterwards. However we manage it, even if we tell ourselves “as long as my core belief about myself isn’t activated”, at the end of the day our inner voice / self-critical thoughts step in to activate our core belief. ‘See, you can’t even give a presentation.’, ‘You couldn’t even finish your sentences.’, ‘Why did you struggle so much with something this simple!’.
Our anxious expectations, and just as much our self-critical thoughts, strongly influence how we feel and how we cope with life. Noticing our self-critical thoughts and being kinder and more compassionate toward ourselves is an important step in tackling low self-esteem.
No matter how much we avoid the emotions we are afraid to feel, at the end of the day we experience them. We create life rules and try to act according to them so that we don’t have to face our core beliefs about ourselves. But when we can’t follow those rules, we fear that our core belief will be activated, and we fall into anxious expectations. Then, because we are afraid of failing, we hold back and our enthusiasm stays stuck in our throat. In that moment, a brief thought crosses our mind: ‘Well, see, you got through it.’ But afterwards, the self-critical thoughts begin, and they go on and on: ‘See, you failed again. You don’t even try because you know you’ll fail.’ At this point, evaluating how realistic your anxious expectations are and working on your self-critical thoughts will help you stop the behaviours that keep low self-esteem going, even though you don’t want them to.
To work on anxious expectations, ask yourself these questions whenever you face a difficult event:
What evidence supports my expectation?
What evidence goes against my expectation?
If I do the behaviour that challenges me despite my anxious expectation, what is the worst thing that could happen?
If I do the behaviour that challenges me despite my anxious expectation, what is the best thing that could happen?
If I do the behaviour that challenges me despite my anxious expectation, what is the most likely outcome?
If the bad outcome does happen, what can I do to make up for it?
This way, you may feel relief as you realize that your anxious expectations are not as bad as you thought. To work on self-critical thoughts, you first need to notice the self-critical thoughts you have about yourself, the situations and settings in which they come up, and the behaviours you show after them.
Here is a case example:
After the idea of presenting in front of a group, I couldn’t sleep at all before the presentation because I was worried I would fail, and I couldn’t perform the way I wanted. After the presentation, I thought about how stupid, unsuccessful and incompetent I was. Then, in fits of crying, I ate all the junk food I could find.
In this case, and in many later life experiences, turning your focus to positive qualities and developing alternative thoughts is very important for coping with self-critical thoughts.
‘Even though I couldn’t perform the way I wanted, it wasn’t such a bad presentation considering how little I slept. Many different opportunities will come up where I can make up for what was missing in this one.’
When we think this way, we accept that our experience was not as good as we wanted, but we take away its connection to who we are. After all, one bad presentation does not mean we are a bad or unsuccessful person.
Understanding the causes of low self-esteem and noticing what keeps it going is the first step toward change. In this series, where I try to cover self-esteem from every angle, my next article will be about how we can fight low self-esteem. See you soon!
Sources:
Fennell, M. (2018) Özgüveni Keşfedin. Bilişsel Davranışçı Terapiler Serisi. Psikonet Yayınları.
Beck, J. S. (2016) Bilişsel Davranışçı Terapi. Ankara: Nobel Yayınları.
Psychologist Duygu ÇANKAYA ÇADIRCIOĞLU
