The Mathematics of Human Relationships
We are intertwined with others at every moment of our lives. So why, with so many people around us, do we love some people more and never become very close with others, or why does our communication with some people break off after a while? Why are we drawn to some people while not really liking others? Of course, we can say that a choice made after getting to know the other person and learning about them is normal, but what about people we have just met and never gave a chance to get to know closely?
To answer these questions, especially in romantic relationships, we need to look at the explanations offered by social psychology. Evolutionary and social role theories state that the sexes differ from each other and that individuals tend to choose partners with complementary traits. According to this theory, a man with high status is more attractive to a woman than other potential partners. Conversely, for a man, an attractive and beautiful woman is expected to be more appealing among possible partners. Of course, we can note that this is not of primary importance, as the sharpness of gender roles is becoming more blurred by the day. In addition, psychological studies explaining the process of choosing a partner state that partner selection is a purposeful and conscious process rather than a random one. The criteria individuals weigh when choosing a partner are:
Familiarity: The more time spent with someone, the more likely we are to accept, love or like them.
Proximity: To become familiar with someone, it is important that there are connections through which that person can be easily reached. We take a warmer and friendlier approach toward people we see every day and feel closer to them than to others. This is easy to see when we look at partner choices: the people chosen are often university friends, neighbours or colleagues. Today, with the influence of the internet and social media, it can be said that cyber proximity, alongside physical proximity, is also a factor that can increase the likelihood of forming a relationship.
Physical Attractiveness: Individuals tend to have a more positive attitude toward people they find physically attractive and pleasant. As a result, they become more inclined to build familiarity with the person they find attractive, and are more likely to behave in ways that increase the chances of spending time with them.
Personality and Character: People who appear competent and knowledgeable in their environment are perceived as more socially skilled and more attractive than others. We also tend to approach people we perceive as socially skilled or attractive with a more accepting attitude.
Similarity: We find people with values and outlooks on life similar to ours 'right' for us. The reason is actually easier communication, more sharing and understanding each other better. At the same time, when we like someone similar to us, our perception of ourselves is also positively affected. Our thought becomes: 'They are a truly wonderful person and we are so alike!' A thought that makes us feel good, too!
So, how do we decide?
In fact, when a person starts a relationship, their main goal is to get maximum satisfaction from it, and our thoughts about that relationship are determined by the sum of the satisfaction we can get and the sacrifices we will make for it. The goal is to get the maximum out of the relationship while keeping the costs/sacrifices to a minimum. Considering that romantic relationships, unlike mathematics, have no single answer or set path, a person can decide to start and maintain a relationship only after many evaluations. These evaluations are:
Love or Status: One of the first evaluations made when choosing a partner can be described as love versus financial situation. If there is intense love, financial situation and social status may take a back seat. Conversely, if the potential partner's status and financial situation are strong, feelings can be kept at a more tolerable level.
Consistency or Good Looks: Rather than choosing someone they find physically attractive, individuals may tend to prefer a partner who is more stable in the relationship and does not wear out the relationship or themselves. Conversely, even if the other person is not consistent, because they look good and are perceived as physically attractive, the lack of consistency in the relationship or in their behaviour may be overlooked/tolerated and a relationship entered into.
Education or Domesticity: If the potential partner is home-oriented and consistent, a relationship may begin with their level of education set aside. From the other perspective, if the partner has a high level of education and career and is open to growth, being home-oriented or making time for home may take a back seat.
Sociability or Shared Beliefs: When individuals share beliefs, a partner's low level of sociability is not considered very important. However, if individuals do not share similar religious views/beliefs, sociability may be given priority when making a choice.
These points explain the conditions and process of starting a relationship, and the factors that influence how much individuals will invest in a relationship, whether they will stay in it, or whether they will end it before it even begins. Although these points clarify relationships and partner choice a little and explain them from a social psychology perspective, finding and choosing the right person is in fact a process that cannot be fully explained. We still cannot answer why individuals choose 'that' particular person among suitable candidates, or why they overlook certain traits while valuing others. Still, we hope we have been able to offer the mathematics of human relationships and its formulas.
Duygu ÇANKAYA ÇADIRCIOĞLU, Psychotherapist
References:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/insight-therapy/201412/laws-attraction-how-do-we-select-life-partner
Atli, A. (2015). Eş Seçme Stratejileri Envanteri Geliştirilmesi Mustafa Kemal Üniversitesi Sosyal Bilimler Enstitüsü Dergisi, 12(32), 123-135.
