What Does a Woman Want?
This must be a question that both men and women ask often. What does a woman want? Drawing on some of what I've observed and heard, I wanted to write about what “womankind” wants, expects and hopes for from men and from everyone else. In doing so, my aim is certainly not to reduce billions of people to a single gender identity or to label women. I will try to shed light on the needs of women, especially in our country, who have been misunderstood, whom no one has made an effort to understand, and who have been marginalized like a minority despite being the majority.
I have several sources of motivation for doing this. Setting aside the women, a minority I'd say, who can support themselves, feel strong and are respected by the women and men around them, my first reason is probably that one of the biggest and saddest realities of this country is the women we so often encounter in our society: women who can't leave the house, who can't easily express themselves, whose housework isn't considered work, who have no financial freedom, who are made dependent on their men, who have no right to make decisions and no say at home. My other reason is observing so many men who have made a habit of using women and think this is natural, who never lift a finger with housework because they believe it is only women's work, who see the women in their homes as servants while treating relationships with other women outside as a natural part of marriage, and who are neither honest with their wives nor respectful of their rights.
Of course, writing about women's needs, what they want and what they hope for won't change anything. Because even many women don't agree with me. In this country, where most women don't realize they are being used, subjugated or cheated on, or, even if they do, accept it as if it were normal, how much difference can it make that I, as a man, have noticed a few things? Still, I absolutely do not blame these women. This is the natural result of having been beaten down. What I blame is the cruel yet seemingly natural, destructive order built by a male-dominated mindset.
Without beating around the bush any longer, let me list what a woman wants, hopes for and expects, whether she is aware of it or not. Surely there are things missing and things that could be left out. Here I am only noting what I have been able to notice through a man's eyes.
1) A woman wants to be loved. She wants to feel loved, to hear it in words and see it in actions. Rather than flowers on special occasions, she wants to feel valued every single day. Some women who weren't valued or cherished as children may not even realize they want this when they grow up. Sometimes it's only when they truly receive love that they understand this is what they wanted all along.
2) A woman wants to be respected. She wants her words to matter, to be treated as a person, to have a vote at home, and to be considered in the decisions that are made.
3) A woman wants to choose. She doesn't want to surrender to fate; she wants to be able to decide which path she will take.
4) A woman wants to love. She wants to love the man she is with and to value him. A man's job is actually quite easy, as long as he understands his partner's needs.
5) A woman wants to be understood. She wants what she feels to be noticed, to be asked how she is, for her emotions to be felt, and for others to see that she is sad when she cries.
6) A woman wants compassion. She wants a man who stands by her in hard times, words that say “I understand you,” and a hand that caresses her with love.
7) A woman wants to be able to express herself. She wishes to say what she wants to say freely, without being silenced. She wants to be able to say “this is what I want” or “this is how I'll be happy” without fearing that she'll end up being yelled at, abused or insulted. She wants to be able to show her own style, her own beliefs and her own ideas through her words and actions.
8) A woman wants people to be honest with her. At the same time, she wants a safe and understanding environment where she, too, can be honest and share her experiences as they are, without needing to lie.
9) Even in romantic relationships, a woman wants to be able to be friends first. She wants a romantic relationship built on close friendship, where both partners open up, can show their vulnerabilities, can confide in each other, and can talk about the things society calls taboo with an “oh, how can you talk about that?”
10) A woman wants to be with someone who is emotionally mature, who has learned to cope with their inner child, who can express themselves, who can recognize their own shortcomings and fearlessly work on them, who doesn't try to cover up their weaknesses by pressuring others, and who can act like a mature adult and take responsibility for the relationship when needed.
11) A woman wants excitement. She wants to be with someone who adds flavour to life, who has ideas for creating beautiful memories, and who makes an effort to do so. Of course, everyone has different tastes. But what is meant here is being able to work together with your partner to make the most of the life you have, and to live life actively together.
Perhaps this list could go on and on. Of course, no woman and no man can be completely perfect. What really matters is being able to understand the other person better and to develop our empathy skills.
Women's greatest and most human need, however, is to be alive and to stay alive. In a country where there are still men who haven't even understood this need, the 11 needs I mentioned above may seem like something of a luxury. I hope we will see days when all these needs of women can be understood, when people marry out of happiness rather than obligation, and when everyone's empathy skills grow. May these kinds of healthy relationships spread across our country, and may we as a society reach much better days.
Finally, I'd like to point out that most of the points I mentioned above are also things men need. That's why, in relationships that embrace the principle of equality from the start, both partners trying to understand each other's needs will have a positive effect on the health of that relationship.
I wish you beautiful days in which your needs are understood by the people closest to you.
Malik Kubilay Çadırcıoğlu, Psychotherapist
