Understanding and Developing the Skill of Patience
“Patience” is one of the most important parts of our culture, our language and our sense of self. In the hardest times of our lives, when we are sad, when we have to wait, when we struggle to cope, the people around us tell us that we need to be patient. Our ancestors and scholars have always spoken of patience and described it as an important human virtue. Sayings such as “May God grant you patience.”, “Be patient, everything will get better.”, “The patient dervish attains his wish.”, “Patience ends in well-being.” and “Patience is half of faith.” show how important an element of thought patience is in our culture. Being patient is the most common strategy we use as a society to cope with difficult emotions.
In this article, I will try to explain the meaning of the word patience, the misconceptions and lesser-known aspects of this concept, the functions of being patient, and ways to become more patient in a healthy, functional way.
First, let’s look for the answer to the question “What does patience mean?” If we look at its dictionary meaning, we see that it means “the state of not getting angry even in a situation that would warrant anger; the state of waiting for something that will happen or come without showing agitation.” So it actually has quite a broad dictionary meaning. The first meaning is related more to the skill of anger control. The second emphasizes the strength to endure difficult situations. When we say “be patient” to one another, this is generally what we mean, and we offer comfort that better days will come. So, in the sense I will discuss in this article, I can say that being patient means accepting the presence of a difficult emotion in order to cope with it, knowing that we will be able to move away from it when the time comes, and with this awareness, letting the soul rest a little. On the other hand, we can say that some emotions and life circumstances will stay with us for a lifetime. For example, having a disability, growing older, or the death of someone dearly loved are situations that cannot be changed and call for a full focus on acceptance. The fine line between patience and acceptance is the duration of this act, and we can say that, to begin with, learning to be patient is easier than learning to accept.
Sometimes being patient seems like a passive and useless behaviour. It is thought that successful, wealthy, educated people have no need for patience, that they can get what they want right away and have the power to do so; while poor, unsuccessful people or those with reduced physical abilities are condemned to be patient, that this is their fate, and that otherwise they could not live with their unhappiness. In general, patience is perceived as a sign of weakness, something people do only because they have no other choice. This is a big misconception about patience. Because patience gives us the ability to control ourselves, provides an important way to cope with our emotions in a world where we never know what we will face next, strengthens us and helps us look at life more optimistically. So what other aspects of patience are we overlooking?
1) Patience is not a passive activity: Patience does not mean doing nothing, giving up or withdrawing from life. Just like sleep, it is an active and conscious preparation for the next day.
2) Patience is not detaching from emotions: Being patient means accepting what you feel about a particular situation and the possible options in front of you. In healthy patience, rejecting the emotion and cutting yourself off from it is not the goal. The emotion is felt, accepted and lived, but it is neither rejected nor surrendered to. Patience also does not mean giving up. Sometimes it simply means stepping back to recharge, but in the end you stand tall again.
3) Patience is an optimistic expectation: The most important component of patience is hope. Without hope, there would be nothing to be patient for. Losing hope without distinguishing between the words difficult and impossible, and cutting ourselves off from our own emotions and turning toward nothingness, is both incompatible with patience and drags us into a negative mood.
4) Patience gives us the endurance to see things through: We can be motivated to start a difficult task by different stimuli and inner values, but it is patience that gives us the endurance to see that task through to the end.
5) Being patient is a sensible way to keep our lives going in a healthy way: Life is often an adventure in which we don’t know what we will face and where unwanted and unexpected situations happen frequently. For people who don’t know how to be patient, this adventure is full of battles, and always being on guard, waiting ready to fight, is stressful and exhausting for them. That is why being patient is restful and feels good for everyone.
6) Being patient leads us to success: Throughout our lives, patience gives us the time we need. We need patience to think things through, weigh the pros and cons and make the right decision. That is why patience should always be with us, not only as an emotional coping mechanism but also as an instrument that leads to success.
7) The skill of patience can be learned: None of us is born with the skill of patience. We usually learn to be patient by living. Learning to use patience in a way that fits its true meaning and serves us well, and creating change within ourselves in a world order that does not change, is a basic need for all of us.
How Can We Learn to Be Patient?
1) We should notice the impulsiveness of our minds: All animals are equipped with the drive to obtain what is best as quickly as possible in order to maintain their lives and comfort. Humans are no different from other living beings in this respect. However, unlike impulses, humans have also developed willpower. Thanks to willpower, we can hold back the impulsiveness we share with other animals and learn to wait and be patient. We should realize that even if we cannot get something right away, if we put in enough effort and wait long enough, we can reach the outcome we want. This way we can move away from impulsive behaviours and thoughts. People who notice their impulsive side, fight it and manage to put their willpower first become happier and more successful.
2) We should develop our view of discomfort and pain: If we want to achieve something, endure pain, or need to be exposed for a while to experiences that stir negative emotions, we may need to develop a new perspective on pain and discomfort. The feeling of comfort is linked to other feelings such as happiness, pleasure and peace, but giving up comfort from time to time is the key that will take us to a more desirable place. Pain and discomfort are feelings created by our minds, and coping with them is possible by taming these same mental mechanisms. The sentence “What I am going through is uncomfortable and painful, but it is not unbearable.” points to a perspective we need to get used to in order to be more patient.
3) We should name the difficult emotion we feel and discover its source: Most people want to get rid of an unwanted emotion as soon as possible, without noticing exactly what it is, without trying to understand it, and without focusing on where it comes from. In fact, this approach, which many of us use instinctively, is the least effective way to move away from an emotion. We should understand exactly what is going through our minds in that moment and often ask ourselves, “What am I feeling right now?” “Why might I be feeling this, and how long have I been living with this feeling?” are also helpful questions we can ask ourselves. Naming what we are going through helps us understand what we are facing. With the relief that comes from noticing what is happening inside us, we gain the knowledge and strength we need to be patient.
4) We should learn to talk to ourselves constructively: Even if there are dozens of people around us who love us, we are alone in coping with our pain, in our physical and mental struggles, on the road to success and in many other things. We know ourselves best; we are also the ones who best understand our needs and who can most easily find what will do us good and what will motivate us. That is why being able to talk to ourselves in a suitable, constructive way will do us much more good than hearing “May God grant you patience!” from others.
“I understand you. You are in a lot of pain, and anyone in this situation would feel this way.”
“You feel uneasy right now, but it means you are growing. Be patient, and afterwards you will be a stronger person.”
“Your heart is hurting. The traces of what happened will always be somewhere, but this feeling will gradually ease and eventually won’t hurt this much.”
“Your friends meeting up without telling you made you think you are not loved, and that upset you. But there is no concrete evidence that you are not loved, so don’t wear yourself down just yet, and be patient until you ask them what happened.”
Talking to yourself like this, drawing logical conclusions as above, giving yourself emotional support and comforting the worn-out part of you, makes it easier to be patient and helps you do it actively and functionally.
As I have mentioned throughout this article, being patient should not be a coping strategy carried out unconsciously and hopelessly, by sitting and waiting, cutting ourselves off from the world, losing awareness of ourselves, giving up on finding solutions and surrendering. On the contrary, it should be a process in which we actively interpret our emotions, feeling them and living them in a healthy way, showing ourselves compassion, looking for solutions and gaining composure.
Emotions are universal; we all feel them at different times and under different circumstances, regardless of our life conditions. Every person fights their own inner battle, and everyone needs to use the skill of patience when necessary. At the end of patience there are positive feelings such as growth, success, strength, peace and self-confidence. Patience ends in well-being!
Psychologist Malik Kubilay ÇADIRCIOĞLU
